Control
by BioticShadow
Summary: Hello everyone, This story takes place after the "Control" Ending of mass effect. It's though the eyes of Kaidan. It's a bit of a sad story so get ready! I hope you enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**Hi everyone, am back! With a new story, as you can tell by the title this is about the "Control" Ending of mass effect. I Don't think this is going to be a long story, so i think am making two chapters. am working on the second right now. I think it might be the longest chapter I've ever worked on. This a sad story, so i can tell you there might be tears. depending on the kind of person you are. Oh i forgot this is another story though the eyes of Kaidan. Enjoy and feel free to comment!**

* * *

2:00, 3:00, 4:00

I keep watching at the clock, I really don't know what am waiting for. I guess am looking at another night without sleep, These happen far to often. either wake up in a cold sweat, or I don't sleep at all. When I can't sleep I find myself roaming this house, Like am looking for something that can't be found.

I lay in bed just wondering, Will I ever be happy again?

It's almost been two years since the end of the war. Thinking about it just makes my head hurt.

In a week I will be going back to London, the citadel is going back in to orbit.

I always think to myself what if things had happen differently. Would he still be here today?

In my arms, lying next to me.

Watching the sun rise with me every morning.

What if things had been different. Would we still be alive, Would we still be Free?

I get up to go the kitchen. "I need a drink" I say to myself. I don't why I vocalize what am doing, No ones listening.

I walk down the hallways with his name echoing throughout.

"Shepard"

I run because I can't take it, I drink because I can't take it.

I wake up in a drunken haze. Am slumped over my sofa, feeling like shit.

I hear my Omni-tool go off,

'one new message'

I play it, It's from Liara.

_"Hi, Kadian. _

_I just wanted to let you know that the ceremony is going to be in a week._

_Oh, and the alliance would like you to speck on behave of Shepard._

_That's about it, I hope you're doing well. See you soon. _

_Bye _

_-Liara."_

Why do they want me to talk about Shepard? There are Plenty of other people who can.

I get up, I stagger my way to the bathroom. I strip off my old clothes. I turn the shower to full blast, and walk in. I can't even keep my balance, Instead just sit down.

I let the hot water run down my back, there something about this that makes me feel better.

But the pain is always there, Nothing alleviates it anymore.

I wonder how he's doing, where ever he is.

Is he happy? Does he feel that same why I do?

I get tired of just sitting in the shower, I step out.

I stand in front of the mirror, I don't want to wipe the fog from it. I can't even bear to look at myself, If John was here I could imagine how upset he would be seeing me like this.

I don't even keep track of time anymore, All this time has felt like one bad never-ending dream.

I just can't seem to wake up. I climb in to bed.

I curl up again, and try to fall asleep.

* * *

_I wake up some where warm, then sun is betting down on me._

_I look around, this place is full of light. I feel happy, something that hasn't been felt in so long. I keep looking around, theirs trees, flowers. It's like a little garden._

_Out of the blinding light, He walks out. "Shepard" I feel the word just slip out of my mouth._

_He keeps walking towards me, And takes a sit next to me._

_He grabs my hand. I Start to cry. "Where are we?" _

_He wipes the tears from my face, and grabs my chin. "Don't worry where we are."_

_We just keep looking at each other. This is even better that talking._

_He breaks the silence "So how are you doing?"_

_I can't even look him the eyes, I keep looking down. "Kadian?"_

_I start to cry again. "I Can't" I yell out._

_My tone softens again "I can't live without you" I run both my hands though my hair. _

_He looks at me Again, "I've always been there."_

_"When you step outside, am the wind that blows under you. Am the sun that lights up you beautiful face." He pauses "Kadian I will always be with you, No matter what."_

_He stands up "Please, always remember that." _

_I throw my hand out "Please don't go"_

_He turns around and smiles "I love you."_

* * *

I wake up, with tears in my eyes. My hands are shaking.

"What just happened?"

I grab the first thing I can get my hands on, I throw it across the room

"It was a fucking dream" Am yelling at nothing.

The tears I just falling down my face, then I realize I just tossed the picture of me and Shepard.

I curl up again.

Shepard was the light at the end of tunnel for me. He was everything to me, I still can't bare the loss of him. I never went to his funeral. I never got closure. I don't think I ever will.

The night before the final push, We talked about are future. I told him that I had this little house, and that I want us both to live here after all this is done.

He told me when, all is said and done that we would get married.

We were going to do all these lovely things, And now am left with empty promises.

My heart is sad and lonely, And I don't think anything can fix it.

I fall asleep again, and I woke up in another cold sweat.

I slip out of bed, I start to clean up the picture of the both of us.

It's picture of the both of us, On the SR1.

I remember I would hide my feelings him, But he know. He also felt the same way.

That night we spent together was amazing, just like that last night before the final push.

I close my eyes, Trying to picture him again. In that moment again.

I start to cry again, I can't even do that…

I slump next the bed, I hear a knock at the door. As I get up to walk to the door, I keep trying to guess who it is.

I open the door, It's Liara.

"What are you doing Here." I keep having to look away, the sun is so bright.

"Am here because you said we should go to London together."

"Am sorry, I must have forgotten. Come in."

I let her in, "Sorry about the house, it's a mess."

"I will be right back."

I Leave her alone, and I walk to the bathroom. I close the door slowly.

I stand over the basin, just looking at myself.

I just can move on, Why?

A part of me blames him, Why did he have to be such a hero. But then I realize that's why I fell for him. Shepard was many things. But one of the things that made him special, was because he was mine.

I sigh again, there hasn't been a day where I don't cry.

now he's not mine, But I will always carry him with me. Everywhere.

I wash my face and change my shirt, I find Liara looking around. She opened the windows, so the light is a bit overwhelming. I see her face in my fridge.

"Kadian what do you eat, theirs nothing in here!" I see her turn around and smile

"I finished the last of the food last night" I think am really ok with lying, I just really don't want to worry anyone.

My problems are my own, and no one else's.

I find her to keep inspecting how am living, I guess that because that last time she came.

I was a mess, I still am But I really don't want to worry her. She has enough on her plate.

"I think I might go to town to buy somethings for dinner?" I can't believe I just said this. I hate leaving the house, I think I find the silence and darkness comforting. It really matches how I feel.

"Would you like me to come?" It would be nice to have someone, I am afraid to ask.

I don't want drown anyone in my problems, But I don't ask for much.

We both Grab a coats and we head out.

I keep thinking about him, I never think about anything else.

I wish I could Find Someone who could understand that everyday is a war between, Me and my mind.

Am in a consent fight, everyday. I hate myself for letting it get this far. People have gone on with there lives, And am in a pause. Waiting for the right person to come and save me. I thought John would come back, and save me. I feel a tear run down my face again. Will I ever move on? Will I ever find salvation?

This thought just keeps coming back.

No I don't think I will ever move on. I have loved and I think Shepard was my one true love.

I will never love someone else, Because what he gave me. Was enough to last for a life time.

People go though life trying to find the one. I found him, I think my journey is over.

Now for the next question. I think for now it's No.

We make are way to the market, I pick up somethings.

I really haven't eaten in a few days. It's now rare that am hungry. I think the only thing I put in to my body is whiskey. It numbs the pain, But I find it's not enough anymore.

We back home and I show her to the room she staying in, till we go to London.

The dinner we had was nice, It was nice to be back in the kitchen. I really forgot how much I loved to cook.

I slip in to my bedroom, I take another shower.

I Fall in to bed, hoping I will have another dream with tonight.

I just watch the ceiling, Waiting for something to change.

I turn on my omni-tool, I know I shouldn't be doing this. But I need to hear his voice.

"Play the last message sent from Shepard, John."

_"Hey Kaidan, _

_now am just sitting here, getting things done before we get to earth. Am also creepily watching you sleep. You look so peaceful. I wish I could see you like this all the time. You make me so happy, And I want to let you know that whatever happens. That I will love you till the end of time._

_Kaidan you gave me everything I could ever want, and then some. I often think back to the first time we met, did I ever think I would be here. No, But am glad were here now. Me & you._

_If I do happen to die, I want you to love again. Give someone else what you gave me._

_I want you to live, Do all the things we said we do together_.

_Take your mother off planet, Travel and not because we have to go there for a mission._

_But please don't let me dieing, keep you from being happy. If I do go I will miss you, but knowing that I got love. Is enough. _

_I will fight just to hold you again. But if I don't make it back._

_don't stop living, and that's an order. _

_I love you Kadian, always remember that."_

I look at the ceiling, It's like am waiting him to fall from it. I guess I let him down.

He told me to live and all I want to do is die. I don't think I could ever love again. Another think in which I let him down. I think if he could see he would be ashamed. I these two years I've become a completely different man, Am not the same person who he fell in love with.

I Get up to go to the bathroom.

I look in the mirror, I don't even know who I am. Am lost, Am a shell of who I once was.

Am lost. Maybe if I scream it loud enough someone one will come and guide me.

But I would mostly just echo off the walls.

Am so tired of running, but I keep running in to the same fucking wall.

I want to just be happy. But even that is so fucking hard.

I head in to the kitchen, I see Liara making tea.

"What are you doing awake?" I guess she heard me.

"Couldn't sleep, I need a drink." I make my way to the place where I keep the glasses.

I untwist the cap and pour some.

"How often do you drink, Kaidan?" I hear concern in her voice.

I plan to lie but right before I can "And tell the truth, I found the bottles under the sink.

Her tone is serious, all I can do is just look at her as she mixes her tea.

I finally answer "Almost all the time, Why does it matter?"

I look down, and take a sip of my drink "Because I hate seeing you like this."

She takes a sip of her drink "You know he would hate seeing you like"

Her voice cracks.

Silence fills the room, She quickly breaks it "Your not in this alone, We all loved him."

Could she be the one to save me?

"Kaidan, I know you think it hard for anyone else to understand what you're going though. Because each of us handles things differently. But I want you know, You always have someone to talk to."

"Thank you." I start to look down again. She walks up next to me, buts her arm around my shoulder and smiles.

I also smile. It's nice to not feel so alone, She walks back to her room. I pull out one of the chairs on the island.

Maybe this is my saving grace…


	2. Chapter 2 (The end)

**_Hello everyone! I bring you part two of control, this is the final chapter. This part is sad but not as sad as part one, But i think the ending is really something else. The ending is a bit on the risky side. but i love this story none the less. I look at where this story go's and i really think thats were it would go in the games, but this is my vision. So i take it some other places. But over all i think this has been on of my favorites to write, I've never written something like this. So enjoy, i will do a footnote about the ending._**

* * *

'Control Part Two'

I've been feeling a lot better since Liara's been here. Were heading to London a day earlier.

I've been packing my bags, I here a knock at the door. "Come in"

Liara enters the room "Kaidan are you sure you want to do this? I really don't want to push you."

"Liara I think it's going to be good for me. I want to do this."

She similes "Ok, be ready in a few minutes they should be coming soon to get us."

she leaves and closes the door behind her.

I finish packing, I open the window to let the light. I let the light shine on my face. I walk over to the closet. I pull out a small box, I take a set on the bed.

Shepard's dog tags. I rub my hand over the box before opening it. They shine a bit in the sun light.

Seeing them for the first time two years, they bring back a lot of memory's.

I just sit and hold them in my hand, I pull my from my pocket. I add mine to his.

I Place them back in the box, and add it to my luggage.

I get up from the bed and go in to the bathroom. I look in the mirror.

I feel like I have to keep wiping the fog just to find my self again. But after all these past few days, Little pieces begin to shine again. It's only been a few days, but I never though talking would be so much help.

But the pain still there, I feel like am only masking it. But I feel good right now, But I also know this feeling won't last.

When that happens I don't know If am going to be ready.

I hear Liara yell from the living room "Kaidan let's go"

I exit the bathroom and grab my bag. Liara always pulls out the stops, were going to London on private travel. As were boarding the plane, "I guess everything's going well for the shadow broker.

She similes and nods.

I fall asleep on the flight there, I just woke up right before we landed. London looks completely different. I guess a lot can be done in two years.

The city look better then it did before, the war started. I can't help but wonder what if Shepard was

here. I think he would have a big smile on his face. Knowing how far we would come with some hope.

I sigh to my self, I wish I could be here with him.

We land, and then were taken to the hotel. Again Liara pulls out all the stops.

"Were in one of the biggest hotels in London" She reading the information off her data pad that her assistant sent her. "They seem to have a lot at this hotel."

I look at her "Like is said earlier only the best." She looks back at me, "How you doing?"

"Am ok right now, like I said I think this will be good for me." She nods

"Do you still want to do the speech? Because if you don't want to, we can still pull out."

"Liara, it's fine I think I'm going to go thorough with it."

"Ok, but if you need to it's fine. I'll understand." I smile and nod.

The ride to the hotel was nice, it was short. I can't wait to get to the room. We both Check in, Am glad Liara got up separate rooms. I love her, But I need my space. Especially here.

We both ride up the elevator, It matches the rest of the hotel. Glass, Modern design. It's really reminds me of the citadel. I really love the look of it, But I would much rather be home.

I make it up to my room, I set my bag down on the bed and I go and take a shower. It was quick, I would much rather be in bed right now. I know that Liara wanted to have dinner at this place in the hotel. But I just want to enjoy being alone right now. I look in the mirror, I then slip my hand in to my old pants. I put on his dog tags, there cold.

I walk out of the bathroom and I slip in to bed. The sun's not even down yet and all I want to do is sleep.

I fall asleep only to wake up around 3:00, Like usual.

I sit up, I look out to the window next to my bed which is also a balcony.

The city is lit up so beautifully, I can't believe the last time I was here is when we got back to earth.

I remember that day so vividly

"_Joker are we going to be there soon?" I tap on his shoulder _

"_Yeah were going be there soon, tell everyone else."_

_I felt like a kid on Christmas, But it was still unknown if he was alive. All I had was hope. Everyone else was still moving on. I know I couldn't give up hope. If I did I was going to be left with nothing. _

_While getting back, we lost all communication. So we didn't even know what we were coming home too. I know that it wouldn't be the earth we left, But I think everyone know that we were going to be better off. _

_I remember telling Edi to send out the message, I went back to Shepard's cabin. Only to find Liara there waiting for me._

_Over these six months never had I bonded with someone so much. She was always there when I needed her, she understood it all. I think that whole time for me was a moment of weakness. Everything was so up in the air. I was broken because, I didn't know if I was coming back to an earth with Shepard. I wasn't prepared to come back home without him. I would have to constantly have to fight those thoughts._

"_Liara what are you doing here?" I start to walk in the cabin, she's next to the little sofa._

_I think I might of startled her. She turns around _

"_Hi Kadian, I was waiting for you to get back." I start walking to her, and I take a sit on the bed._

"_What's Wong?" _

"_I just wanted to know that your going to be fine when we get back. I know you keep hope, But have you considered that he might not be alive?" I look and down to see tears already falling on my thighs._

"_Kadian, am sorry. But you need to look at all the possibility's." _

"_You don't think I have?" My tone is dark and condescending. I Just look at her, She stands up and starts to walk away. The door opens, "I just don't you want to get hurt again." and she continues to walk out. _

_The rest of the trip am left alone, I think that has to be one of the worst things. Alone with my thoughts, they cut me down to size. They make me want to just give up, and just realize that he's gone. _

_I curl up and play odd messages. I think his voice made me fall asleep, It was nice to just feel ok. Even if the moment was short lived. _

_I wake up to find, Edi telling me that we've landed and that am the last one to get off the ship._

"_She didn't want to wake me." I smile and gather my things and a few of Shepard things. _

_Right before I exit the cabin, I say my one final goodbye. There are so many memories in this room. _

_I hope when I step of this ship, there will be some good news. I was wrong. _

_I remember just sitting in possessing, The room was small it was also white. It smelled like someone had just made coffee. It could go both ways, He could be alive, or Dead. I don't know what to think right now. My stomach just dropped as I heard the door open. I felt like I wanted to cry and throw up at the same time. I kept hope but he was carrying a small box, He looked at me and I know._

_Every thought felt like it stopped, like I was frozen. He set the box down on the table, and told me he was sorry for my loss and that we would leave me with my thoughts._

_The silence filled the room quickly, I didn't know what to do. I started to cry. I felt like nothing else would help at that moment. But as much as I wanted to cry, I wanted to kill someone. Anger filled me. _

_I wish I would have gone with him, Maybe I could have saved him. Maybe he would still be here. _

_From anger I then felt empty, like nothing else will ever full this whole in my heart. _

_I Grab the things and left, I told them I would leave the alliance. _

_I walked out with dried tears in my face. The wind would blow in my face, the sun wasn't out that day._

_It was dark and gloomy. I had never really felt what emptiness is like. _

_That night I remember just walking the streets with my coat on and my bag in hand. Like I was looking for the answer why. _

_It rained that night. Little did I know that I would feel like that all the time. _

I find my self just standing outside on the balcony, Drinking the last of my whiskey.

The wind is blowing, I feel a chill as I look up at the stars. "Why can't you be here with me." The question is meet with tears falling down my face. I take one last swig before heading back in side.

I toss the empty bottle on the dresser. I fall right back in to the bed. I sigh to my self as I look at the empty space next to me. I remember the last time we slept together.

Think about the last time we spent together, He was telling me to go on the ship. I didn't want to leave, I would much rather died right there with him. The last goodbye. It hurts to think about it.

I also remember the last kiss. I didn't feel like a goodbye, it felt more like "I'll see you on the other side" I never really got to say goodbye. I wish I could hold him one last time. I remember everything about that last moment together.

John had grayish eyes. I remember looking in to them. That one last time, Never did I think that would be are last time.

I start to drift off..

_I wake up in a different place, in a different bed. I start to look around. It's my house in Vancouver, but its not empty like I have it. I know that am dreaming everything about this place feels like the other dream I had. I start to hear things come from the bathroom, Theirs also someone in the shower. I see the door slowly open. It's John, Seeing him makes me just wonder why I keep having these dreams, there so real. _

_He's drying off his hair, the he tosses the towel back in to the bathroom "Hi Kaidan" That smile is so electric. _

_He walks up to the foot of the bed, and slowly starts to make his way up to me. For the first time were face to face, I feel the heat radiate off his body. He kisses my forehead, then the tip of my nose, then my lips. It had to be one of the most passionate kisses we've ever shared._

_I didn't want this moment to end, For the first time I was really happy. he kept kissing, like he forgot what my lips felt like. _

_To be honest I forgot what it felt like. _

_He keeps going, he keeps making me arching my back. I keep moaning. He's never made me feel like this before. Were only kissing, and am already having a hard time catching my breath. _

"_You ready for this?" he removes his lips from my skin and looks at me with lustful eyes. _

"_Yes, I want you to take me there." I barely form a sentience._

_He strips off my shirt and rubs his hands all over my body. As his hands move on my body, he starts to moan. _

"_Use you biotics." were both looking in to each others eyes "You sure?"_

_I feel them flair up eyes have started to glow. The blue ora, changes up the light in the room. _

_I feel him inside of me, We both throw are heads back in Ecstasy._

_He keeps moving in a even pace, he keeps rubbing his hands all over me. He moans as I send another flair of my biotics. We feel it going through our spins. _

_After sometime has passed "Shepard I need you to go harder" He bites his lips "You sure?"_

"_Yes" I can feel him pushing in harder, moving faster. He then lays on my chest, he starts to kiss my neck. I run both my hands down his back, I send another shock. He starts to move faster, I feel his breath on my neck. With one final push, "Kaidan" the words slowly slip out his mouth He came._

_Both of us did._

_He pulls out and rolls off of me. We both lied there, still trying to catch are breath. _

_I feel whole again, but I know it won't last long. I turn to look at him_

"_Shepard, Where are we?"_

"_Someplace Peaceful"_

"_Why can't I be here forever?"_

_He smiles, "You can."_

_I know what he means, but I don't know._

_He gets up from the bed, and puts on some pants. Looks at me again "Come on Kadian"_

_I slip on my underwear and I I follow him. I love just holding his hand again. Were walking though the house in Vancouver. It feels like were in another life, Where he's alive. As he takes me to the living room, this house looks like a home. He stands by the counter top pouring us both drinks._

_He walks towards me with two glasses in his hands, He hands me one & takes me out to the balcony._

_Everything just looks so perfect. This place isn't real, it to amazing to be. _

"_Kaidan you know your going to wake up soon."_

_I look down, I feel a tear roll down my face. "Please no."_

_He grabs my chin, and wipes it off. _

"_I don't make the rules"_

"_Promise me we'll meet again?" I Can feel everything changing. Am waking up. _

"_Kaidan, you know am always with you." He places his hands on my cheek. "Now wake up, and don't keep me waiting."_

I wake up, and am siting up. Am sweating and am out of breath.

I sigh to myself. I'm still in pain, But will I really do that? I never thought that would be the answer.

I check my Omni-tool, I have to be out in London soon.

I run and take a quick shower, I also get dressed.

I Look in the mirror, Was I really thinking about this. Could I ever do that? But will I ever be happy again alive though? I never had thought about this.

I walk out the hotel, Liara is already at the place waiting for me.

I remember the last time I was in London, I walked the streets. I remember finding a small town. There was this small little bridge that was just so nice. It made me smile. I know that if john had seen it as well , He would've loved it to.

I look up to the sky, Am sorry Liara. But I need to do this. I know that John would have died for me, But will I die for him?

These two years I've spent walking looking for an answer, trying to make it to the finish line. Maybe this is the end of the race, When I do get there. I hope he's mine forever.

I keep looking at the time pass as I walk though the streets the whole town is empty, I guess because everyone is looking forward to the citadel back in to orbit. So everyone Is in the downtown. I hear silence as I walk the streets, It's something am used to. After almost two hours of walking I finally found it.

That small little town, I head in to a little liquor store. I buy my favorite whiskey and I say goodbye to the clerk. I walk to the Bridge and I sit with my feet over the edge. I keep drinking, just watching the time pass. My omni-tool keeps blinking with messages from Liara. I feel bad, But I need this.

I smile Because soon he'll be mine again, I want to feel like I've gone home.

At this time I should be standing on the stage, talking about John. About how he was amazing, in everything thing he did. But I couldn't bring myself to do that. I even have a hard time thinking about him. Who could I even speak about him. As I reach to take another swig of my drink. I finished the bottle. I smile and remember "One quick drink" It was never going to be one quick drink. I went in with a plan. That night he was mine.

From being this messed up kid never did I think all this would happen. I never had though I would meet someone I loved so much, But these feelings aren't new. I felt this way when I had heard he died.

I hated that I never really made my move. Because I never thought he would feel the same way. I think about all that's happen between us. We've been though Hell and back, and still found time for love.

My eyes light up, the beams light up. It's time.

I reach in to my pocket, and I pull out both our dog tags. I rub my hands over them, Feeling his name one them. I sigh, I put them on, I step back on the street.

I look over the edge, Then I look back up. "I meet you there soon" I look around, I see the sun light up and the wind blow. I step up on the edge, Facing the other side. As I stand there I find silence, But not like the once I've faced There something different about this. I look around one last time.

I fall with the wind, and for once in these two years. Am awake, this nightmare is over.

I feel the water as it washes me over, washing all the sins away.

With one final breath i say:

"Goodbye, and hello."

* * *

**_So you finished in? What did you think. _**

**_The ending is really something else right. I've chosen to go with suicide, But i no way do i recommended suicide. this is a fictional story with fictional characters. The ending was hard to write but I've wanted to do a dramatic ending like this, and i think this is it. So i hope you've enjoyed this story! Thanks for reading._**


End file.
